Most couples have strain in their relationship. This is a simple, honest, straightforward fact of life. When we recognise that there is no such thing as the "perfect couple", we can breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the job of fixing/maintaining/enhancing our own relationship.
One key to a good relationship is what is known as "Active Listening". It is based on the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood". Understood, is the key word here.
What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if "agreeing to disagree" is the end product.
How is 'active listening' achieved? By a process whereby each partner reflects back to the other what they think they are hearing - or what they perceive the other partner is saying.
It is the facts and feelings in what was said that the listener tries to reflect back. After the listener has reflected these back to the speaker, the original speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure that the original listener really has grasped what the speaker was trying to communicate ie. the content and feelings of what was said.
Remember, at all times, that the aim is not to get the listener to necessarily agree with the speaker. This might not ever happen! The point of it all is to allow the speaker to get to that place where they feel they have been understood. We all know that feeling we get when we feel that someone finally understands us!
For example, Jim and Denise are having words about things going in the laundry. Denise: "I am very angry and upset that you never seem to unravel your dirty socks but just peel them off and stick them straight into the laundry all bunched up. And then, I end up unravelling them. I get so cross as I keep asking you and nothing I say seems to make any difference."
Jim: "You're saying that you're really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?" Denise: "That's right. And also that I then end up having to do it." Jim: "And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don't." Denise: "Yes, that's right. I do it in the end."
In the example above, the end result of the active listening (the desired effect) is that Denise feels listened too and understood. Jim may even forget to unravel his socks again but Denise has verbalized to him how she feels about the situation and that he understands where she is coming from. She feels understood.
Obviously, if active listening is reciprocated by the other partner and it becomes a two-way means of communication, then both will feel understood. This is the ideal. Hence the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood," has been achieved.
Note also the use of "I" messages (rather than "You" accusations) where Denise recognises and 'owns' that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An "I" message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.
If Denise had accused Jim with a "You" message such as, "You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks," the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.
Does it sound like all this talk about "I" messages and active listening' is a load of theoretical nonsense? Then go for it! Try using 'active listening' with your partner by reflecting back the feelings and facts of what is being said. It's not just doing parrot talk. Rather, it is attempting to make sure your partner feels understood because you have taken the time and effort to reflect back properly what they are feeling and saying.
And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use 'active listening' and "I" messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never - and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.
So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour - in fact anyone whom you'd like to improve communication with!
One key to a good relationship is what is known as "Active Listening". It is based on the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood". Understood, is the key word here.
What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if "agreeing to disagree" is the end product.
How is 'active listening' achieved? By a process whereby each partner reflects back to the other what they think they are hearing - or what they perceive the other partner is saying.
It is the facts and feelings in what was said that the listener tries to reflect back. After the listener has reflected these back to the speaker, the original speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure that the original listener really has grasped what the speaker was trying to communicate ie. the content and feelings of what was said.
Remember, at all times, that the aim is not to get the listener to necessarily agree with the speaker. This might not ever happen! The point of it all is to allow the speaker to get to that place where they feel they have been understood. We all know that feeling we get when we feel that someone finally understands us!
For example, Jim and Denise are having words about things going in the laundry. Denise: "I am very angry and upset that you never seem to unravel your dirty socks but just peel them off and stick them straight into the laundry all bunched up. And then, I end up unravelling them. I get so cross as I keep asking you and nothing I say seems to make any difference."
Jim: "You're saying that you're really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?" Denise: "That's right. And also that I then end up having to do it." Jim: "And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don't." Denise: "Yes, that's right. I do it in the end."
In the example above, the end result of the active listening (the desired effect) is that Denise feels listened too and understood. Jim may even forget to unravel his socks again but Denise has verbalized to him how she feels about the situation and that he understands where she is coming from. She feels understood.
Obviously, if active listening is reciprocated by the other partner and it becomes a two-way means of communication, then both will feel understood. This is the ideal. Hence the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood," has been achieved.
Note also the use of "I" messages (rather than "You" accusations) where Denise recognises and 'owns' that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An "I" message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.
If Denise had accused Jim with a "You" message such as, "You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks," the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.
Does it sound like all this talk about "I" messages and active listening' is a load of theoretical nonsense? Then go for it! Try using 'active listening' with your partner by reflecting back the feelings and facts of what is being said. It's not just doing parrot talk. Rather, it is attempting to make sure your partner feels understood because you have taken the time and effort to reflect back properly what they are feeling and saying.
And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use 'active listening' and "I" messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never - and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.
So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour - in fact anyone whom you'd like to improve communication with!
About the Author:
This article was written by David Woodward, an experienced, qualified counsellor in Kettering, Northants.UK. He provides marriage counselling in Kettering, and gives the first consultation for FREE to enable couples to judge if counselling with him could be a good way forward for them. David also contributes to the local community with his voluntary work.
